i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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