I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
