she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
