Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Houston, we have a squirter
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
