Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
