Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize