I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
