I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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