Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
