i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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