I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
