I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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