Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
