i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
