i barfeds in our rink
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
