Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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