oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
