Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
