I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
