Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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