I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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