we made out on top of his cat.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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