I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
