He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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