My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
