Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
this beer tastes like vomit already
sarcasm needs its own font
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
