Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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