i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
