People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
