If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I touched a dick in church today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
