i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
