Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize