i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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