im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
