Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
