ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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