you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
