I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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