dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
