I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
