I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize