If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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