Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Welp...herpes.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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