our cab driver is having phone sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
