Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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