i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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