I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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