I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
