If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
