It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
