Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize