I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
honey bunches of taint.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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