just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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