Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
