maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You made out with two different species that night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
