She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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