i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You are a genius and a whore.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
