I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
