Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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