Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize