'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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