Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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