I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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