You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
