You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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