That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
