Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
