it wasn't lemon gatorade
i think i have herpe
just one?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
