My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
